Do You Train Your Dogs, Or Do They Train You?

When you turn on the television, regardless of where you land on world view, political leanings, or ideals and values, there is one single thing that everyone is fighting over. 

Control.

Everyone desires control. We want to be in control of our bodies, our money, our time, who we love, what we can say, who we follow, and who we lead. We tend to gravitate towards people and circumstances that offer us more control, freedom, and autonomy. This isn't a particularly difficult concept to grasp; in fact, as you read this, I am sure you'll agree. (If not, leave a comment. I love having an open discourse about behavior.)

Yet, control is something that we rarely think about in terms of our animals. Despite numerous studies demonstrating its ineffectiveness and negative consequences, the "alpha dog" theory not only persists heavily in our dog culture but also indirectly gives dog owners a "free pass" to be domineering, oppressive, and, in some cases, abusive to their dogs.

"Well, I have heard that the dog has to see me eat before he eats so he knows I am the boss."

"I read in a book that if I let my dog win a game of tug, he will think he is the boss."

"If she goes through the door first, she will think she's the leader."

And my personal (least)favorite "I take his food bowl away mid-meal to show him that I am in control of the food."

These, and many more, are examples of a complete misunderstanding of how our dogs not only perceive us and the world, but also how they learn and think. It may seem like your dog is trying to be the boss all the time, but in reality, they are simply searching for control. When we feel in control, we feel safe, confident, and less anxious about new or unknown circumstances. Is this not what we want for our dogs? 

Which begs the question: If our needs as humans are incompatible with our dogs’ needs, how can we possibly coexist? The answer is not for you to train the dog, and it's not for the dog to train you, but for you and the dog to train each other.

Then again, let's say we ignore the behavior altogether. Then what follows is what behavior nerds call the "extinction burst". What was once reliably reinforcing no longer works; the dog doubles down and keeps trying, and they repeat the undesired behavior because it has worked so often before. You will see the extinction burst in yourself when your credit card doesn't work in a store or when your dog stops responding to the sit cue. What the extinction burst does is cause frustration for both you and your dog. And now, nobody is in control, and the relationship between you and your dog starts to break down. Slowly at first, but as it persists, you find that the bond that you had hoped would exist between you isn't there, and you don't know how to fix it. 

This pattern illustrates why a shift in mindset is needed.

We want you to feel in control; that's reinforcing, but we also want your dog to feel in control, and when you can both influence each other's behavior in order to get what you want, that is where cooperative learning begins, and that deep bond that you always wanted with your dog is deeply rooted. They feel as if they can influence your behavior with an action, and if that behavior is what you want, the whole situation becomes mutually beneficial.

Let's face it. No relationship that is not mutually beneficial ever lasts or thrives. I have heard the argument that love can supersede this, but even so, there are people that I love and care about that I have no desire to be around at the same time. You probably do too.

So how do we train our dogs, allow them to train us, and still coexist happily? That’s the question we’ll address next.

As you make decisions about what to do with your dog, whether it's raising a puppy, training, or dealing with behavior issues, you need to run your plan through the control filter. Ask yourself, "Is what I am doing with my dog giving them a sense of control? If the answer is no, it's likely not the right solution. Sometimes that control can be more of an illusion for the dog, but they have to be able to make decisions for themselves.

For example, taking the puppy's food bowl away while they eat. Why are you doing that? Is it taking away their control, or giving them more control? If it's the former, it's not likely the best decision. What would you do in the same situation? Sitting in a restaurant when the wait staff randomly takes your food just to stay in control, you are likely to get angry; at the very least, never return to that establishment. So imagine how your dog feels.

When your dog jumps on people, and you respond to that, are you giving them a sense of control over your behavior? How can you leave them that sense of control while still getting what you want?

I often ask my clients what they would like their dog to do. The first response is usually something like "I don't want him to pull on the leash." To which I will usually ask again, "So what would you like them to do?"

Let's stop thinking about all the annoying, frustrating, or dangerous things our dogs do and stop banging our heads against the wall trying to stop a behavior. Instead, think about what we want them to do instead. When there is a clear behavior that we can reinforce that is incompatible with the behavior you want to stop.

Your dog pulls on the leash; let's focus on teaching them to walk next to you.

Your dog jumps on people; let's focus on teaching them to sit on approach.

Your dog begs at the dinner table; let's focus on mat training during meal times.

Your dog steals socks and shreds them; let's focus on teaching them that they can trade socks for treats of higher value than the sock. (You also work on not leaving them where they can get them.)

It is so much easier to teach a new behavior than to undo an old one. And this is where the dog starts "training" you. Once they start to learn these new skills, they will have that sense of control again. Their behavior directly influences their environment and your response, but wouldn't you know, the way they are influencing your behavior is by doing the thing that you want. You have trained them, and they have trained you. Ta-da!

So, before you get frustrated, it's important to remember that your dog is just as entitled to control and autonomy as you are. We must find creative ways to teach our dogs that they can coexist by doing things that benefit them just as much as they benefit you. If you aim to have a heavy hand of control over your dog, then you are really missing out on an opportunity to experience a bond with your dog that is essential to the human experience.